New to the bro life? Here is a guide to the most important rules of the bro code. Learn them. Live by them.
It has come to the attention of bros everywhere that the Bro Code, once a spare set of authoritative principles governing the righteous actions of real men, has been artificially inflated and confused and expanded. It has in recent years become a jumble of incompatible, largely incoherent dicta.
This is contrary to the spirit of the Bro Code, which is intended to be clear enough to recall and apply even after a couple of six-packs.
Let’s clear away the inessential debris. Here is the Bro Code, boiled down to its essentials.
BROS AND HOES
Several of the rules govern interaction with the fairer sex. Here are the top 10.
1. Bros before hoes
2. A bro will not sleep with another bro’s sister. However, a bro is allowed to discuss her level of attractiveness.
3. The mother of a bro is always off-limits.
4. It is never acceptable for a bro to sleep with another bro’s ex.
5. Bros don’t break up chick fights until a sufficient amount of clothing has been pulled off.
6. When your bro’s girlfriend inquires about his whereabouts you know nothing, always.
7. A bro shall not damage another bro’s chances to score.
8. A bro will always verify another bro’s story when they are trying to score.
9. Bros comment on a fellow bro’s fashion choice only if that choice will diminish their likelihood of getting laid.
10. A bro always tells his bro if their girl is cheating on them.
BROS AND MANLINESS
The Bro Code is intended to preserve and enhance the manliness of all bros. Here are 10 essential rules of manliness.
1. A bro is always allowed to do something stupid as long as his bros are doing it.
2. A bro never dances with his hands above his head.
3. A bro never applies sunscreen to another bro.
4. A bro shall not gaze at a naked bro.
5. Bros don’t make eye-contact during a devil’s three-way.
6. A bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control.
7. A bro is honor-bound to accept all arm wrestling challenges.
8. A bro never makes eye contact with a bro who is eating a banana.
9. Bros do not share drinks or popcorn at the cinema.
10. If you’re lifting with your bro and he has a heart attack, put more weight on the bar before calling for an ambulance.
BROS AND AESTHETICS
Being a bro is serious business. It’s not just a code for interaction, but a guide for how to live. Here are some of the important implications.
1. If a bro gets a dog it must be at least knee height when fully grown.
2. A bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.
3. A bro never wears socks with sandals.
4. A bro doesn’t sing along to music in a bar or at a concert.
5. Bros don’t quote Oscar Wilde.
6. A bro always pisses standing up.
7. All bros are distracted by the number 69 and its sexual meaning, rendering all bros unable to read anything immediately after this number.
8. Bros don’t use umbrellas.
9. All bros like steak.
10. The bro who owns the console is always player 1.
BROS AND BROS
Key to the bro lifestyle is the fair and ethical treatment of other bros. Here are the most important rules governing bro-bro interaction.
1. A bro never sends a birthday card to another bro.
2. If a bro leads a food run, he is entitled to keep the change.
3. Even in a fight to the death, a bro never punches another bro in the groin.
4. A bro always enhances another bro’s job description when introducing him.
5. When a bro learns another bro has been in a traffic accident, they must first ask what condition the car is in.
6. When hosting, a bro orders enough pizza for all his bros.
7. If your team beats your bro’s team you have 24 hours to rub it in.
Bros take care of fellow bros when they have too much to drink.
8. On death or injury, clear a bro’s search history.
9. If you catch your bro’s partner cheating you immediately tell your bro regardless of any hullaballoo that may arise.
10. Bros do not share dessert.